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Two things inspired me to write
this. The first was a conversation I had
with two mothers last weekend about their experiences when
they had their
first baby. The second was a line that one of the videos featured
in the
Yummiest Mummy contest. It read, "Nothing is better than
the first time you
hold your baby"
But what if you don't fall in love with
your baby at first sight? What if
you don't have that "nothing is better than the first
time you hold your
baby feeling" the first time you hold him?
I didn't feel that overwhelming, awe-inspiring,
"I'm in love with you from
the first moment I saw you" kind of feeling when I first
held Adam. Maybe it
was because I had just spent 2 ½ hours trying to push
him out. Maybe I was
still trying to get over the humiliation of having to spend
one of those
hours pushing while on my hands and knees with my ass up in
the air like a
dog in heat. Maybe I was worried about the doctor who was
nonchalantly
stitching me below the equator. All I know is that when I
looked down at
him, exhausted and spent, all I saw a baby. A cute baby. But
just a baby
nonetheless. He could have been any baby.
I felt ripped off.
I had read all the pregnancy books. I had
talked to people who had given
birth. They all told me it would be the most magical moment
of my life. So
what the hell was wrong with me?
The next day was no better. I did not look
like those cute women you see on
"The Baby Story". I looked like I had gone 10 rounds
with Mike Tyson
(although I at least still had my ears). My entire body was
so swollen that
I couldn't even open my eyes. I needed ice packs on both my
face and my
nether regions. I couldn't fit my hand around my wrists -
something I could
do only 24 hours previously - and my toes looked like sausages.
Then there
was the whole issue with the blood. The pregnancy books talked
about
bleeding after giving birth. But they certainly didn't say
anything about
enough blood to put the St. Valentine's Day Massacre to shame.
There I am, laying in an uncomfortable bed
in a room with three other new
mothers, not having slept for 48 hours, feeling like I had
been hit by a
truck, bleeding like a stuck pig, and I am now the mother
of this tiny,
pink, wrinkled little baby who is completely dependent on
me. The only
problem is I have no clue how to take care of a baby. As my
husband and I
were getting ready to leave the hospital with Adam, we were
both dumbfounded
that there was such little fanfare. They're just going to
let us leave?
There's no test to make sure we're capable, competent parents?
What the hell
are they thinking? Wasn't anyone going to come home with us?
And here it is almost six years later and
I love both my sons with my entire
being. I did eventually have that magical, awe-inspiring moment
with each of
them. But it took a few days. A few days where I spent time
getting to know
them and learning the little things that made each of them
unique and
special.
So if you're out there and you're reading
this and you're about to have a
baby. Don't worry if you don't feel that instantaneous rush
of love moments
after you give birth. The time will come. You're just going
to have a bit of
a courtship first.
S. DeVellis
Yummy Mummy Club Coordinator
http://motherhoodtheultimatesurvivor.blogspot.com
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