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by Kathy Buckworth
At
a dinner party recently, friends of mine announced that they
were expecting their first baby, and immediately two thoughts
went through my head. 1) Thank goodness it’s them and
not me (at four kids, I think I’ve filled my quota),
and 2) My oh my oh my you don’t know what you are in
for but maybe I shouldn’t be the one to tell you. As
the proud papa-to-be explained quite rationally how he planned
to keep the home theatre basement sacrosanct as “Daddy’s
Room”, (to snorts of derision from all of the experienced
fathers around the table) I thought about all the expectations
new parents have, and how quickly the baby will scupper them.
As we left them that evening, I was asked if I had any words
of advice for them as they entered this new and scary part
of their lives. There was so much I wanted to say, that couldn’t
be thrown out during a quick hug, so I raced home and wrote
down my advice, which I’d like to share with all new
or expectant parents. Those of you who have children already
will recognize some universal truths.
Whatever goes in has to come out. You can never have enough
soothers. The first time they roll over will always coincide
with the first time you lay them on the couch without a wall
of pillows. There will be poo. There will be no room in your
house which is bereft of baby equipment or stains. You can
never have enough sleepers. Yes, going through almost 20 diapers
a day with a newborn is quite normal. Yes, your house has
always been this dirty…you just never looked under there
before. The first time your baby truly sleeps through the
night will not be the first night of uninterrupted sleep you
have had since the birth – you will be up 14 times to
ensure the baby is still sleeping. A baby monitor magnifies
a baby’s screams – keep the volume low. Mozart
didn’t have “Baby Mozart” playing when he
was in the womb and he turned out fine. Crib sheet manufacturers
are playing with you – those sheets are really ½
inch too small all the way around.
You will obsess about the baby milestones in “What to
Expect”. Not all children are toilet trained by the
time they go to kindergarten. Take advantage of the fact that
your baby cannot walk or talk. In no time you will be telling
them to sit down and shut up. (Funnily enough, when they are
teenagers they will regress to grunting and slumping.) The
folds in a baby’s neck smell wonderful…unless
there is some cheesy milk nestling there. Urine has a mind
and a life of its own. Your dog is just a dog. Husbands can
be generally useless and it is an accepted social norm. Yes,
of course your child is more special than anyone else’s.
Yes, this allergy thing is really weird. No, they don’t
need proper walking shoes until they actually start walking.
Yes, that is too much money to spend on a stroller.
You will remember their first word, first step, and first
“I love you.” The week that it happens. Then it
will be gone. But the residual feeling will last a lifetime.
As will those stretch marks. Enjoy.
Kathy Buckworth’s new book,
“Journey to the Darkside: Supermom Goes Home”
is available a bookstores everywhere. Visit www.kathybuckworth.com
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