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by Kathy Buckworth
Recently there has been a lot of research
published on the significance that the birth order of children,
the number of children, and the sex of the siblings have on
forming who we and our children turn out to be. Is it really
that predetermined? Stereotypically, the oldest child is likely
to be more academic, less of a risk taker, a perfectionist,
more driven, and emotionally intense. Middle children are
the “lost souls” and are more flexible, act as
a mediator, are more in-tune with fairness and equality, and
more peer focussed. The youngest, or “baby” is
most likely to be highly social, creative, independent, funny,
charming, and not play by the rules. This is mostly theory
and there are of course many influencers in our lives, so
it may or may not exactly describe the children in your family,
but I do find that it does loosely fit my own four children.
Take a typical evening at our house:
Me: Dinner! It’s
a new recipe for chicken I thought I’d try.
Oldest: Looks disgusting. How come you
can’t make the same mushroom chicken you always make?
Is this part burnt? And why are we eating so late? I have
homework you know.
Middle Child “A”: Do I have
to eat this in order to get to hockey tonight? What if I
eat half? Why do I have more than her? At Craig’s
house they get to eat peanut butter sandwiches if they don’t
like the dinner. Why can’t we?
Middle Child “B”: Mom this
looks great – I love your cooking. Guess what Scotty
said today. Alex, I’ll eat yours if you don’t
want it – want to trade the corn?
Youngest: Is this chicken dead? Can I eat
in the family room? What if Michael Buble was my real dad?
This part looks like poo.
Granted, they range in age from 16 down to 5, but the comments
above are typical of the reaction I get when the kids are
faced with a “new” situation (if a previously
untried chicken recipe can truly qualify as “new”).
The oldest wanting the same again and again and worried about
schedules being upset, the middle children looking for fairness,
peer experiences and some mediation, and the youngest, well
just plain being the crazy weird five year old. They seem
to fill their prescribed roles quite nicely.
Some of the studies I’ve read have
also indicated that not only is birth order important in shaping
a personality, but also whether you have brothers and sisters,
and whether they are older or younger than you. The good news
is that even though that brother is constantly teasing his
sisters, he will actually be able to relate better to women
than his sisterless compatriots. And conversely, women will
respond better to him as a result. Kind of twisted to think
about your sister helping you score with women, but it is
what it is. My five year old son has a massive crush on an
eight year old girl right now, whom he says reminds him of
his older sister, and there is a striking similarity. Again,
maybe a little disturbing, but interesting just the same.
In all of these studies, however, I think
they may have overlooked some more basic learnings that brothers
and sisters, older and younger, can take away from each other.
These might include:
- Negotiation skills: “If you don’t
tell Mom I jaywalked on the way home from school, I can
easily forget about the lunch time detention situation.”
- Manipulation: “Dad said it would
be good for you to practice airing out hockey equipment
with my stuff, for when you play as well.”
- Hypothesis Building: “Wanna see
what happens when we throw a water balloon down the basement
stairs?”
- Teamwork: “But Nicholas you’re
the baby – Mom always gives you what you want. Now
say it again for us? That’s right, L-A-R-G-E S-C-R-E-E-N
T-V.”
But how long does the effect of birth order last? I’m
a middle child, so that should mean that my parenting style
is being open to negotiation, fairness, and emulating how
my friends manage similar situations. Hmm. Let me think about
what I said to the kids this morning:
- “Because I’m your mother
that’s why. End of story.”
“Your brother can do that because he’s only
five”
“Just because Michael’s Mom does it this way
doesn’t mean that’s the way we do things around
here buster.”
As with most parenting theories, this one
implodes on actual application. Guess I’ll skip reading
the article on “Briefs or Boxers? What you might be
doing to your son.”
Kathy Buckworth’s latest book
is “Journey to the Darkside: Supermom Goes Home”
Watch Kathy on Slice Network’s “Birth Days”.
Visit www.kathybuckworth.com
Funny Mummy appears every month!
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