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by Kathy Buckworth
“Use your
inside voice!” Every Mom on the planet has admonished
her child with this line when attempting to quell the screams,
yells, shouts and ear splitting shrieks they always seem to
emit in a situation where a raised voice brings looks of derision,
scorn, and (the worst, from that smug other Mom) condescension.
I myself used this ubiquitous expression the other evening
when my five year old insisted on telling the whole dinner
table about his spectacular achievement in the washroom, at
full volume (“It was huuuge”). As we sat there
in that quiet restaurant I found myself facing the ironic
frustration of not being able to use MY inside voice to shut
this tirade down immediately.
You see, I have a confession to make –
my INSIDE voice is far, far louder than my OUTSIDE voice.
My outside voice is full of dulcet tones and cheerful restraints
such as “Oh darling, don’t wipe your nose on your
sleeve. Mommy’s sorry she forgot to bring a tissue”,
and “Nicholas I know you love nature but put that lovely
stick down and Mommy will give you a big hug”, while
my fishwife/inside voice tends to run more to “Bridget!
Stop doing that on your shirt! You’re disgusting!”
and “If you hit her one more time with that thing I’m
taking your blankie and putting it in the fireplace!”
I don’t think I’m alone in owning
this dual personality; all of us are guilty of having a public
parenting persona (“Look there’s my husband pretending
to enjoy playing tag at the park and not looking at his BlackBerry!”),
and a private (“Can I just have two minutes alone without
you brats???”) parenting side.
But I think the kids themselves are perhaps
the guiltiest of being different people for different occasions.
My son Nicholas recently won the “Cooperation and Cheerful
Attitude” award in his kindergarten class. Literally
ten minutes after leaving that the award ceremony (where he
was beautifully behaved, of course), Mr. Cooperation was red
faced, screaming and stomping through the grocery store issuing
threats of pulling down entire end-aisle displays…and
his pants. So I asked him why he could be so well behaved
for his kindergarten teacher, and if he would ever pull a
stunt like this with her. He said “No. But I know you
better, Mommy.” He’s absolutely correct. He knows
me, and I know him, better than anyone knows either of us.
In fact, the very first time we laid eyes on each other he
was this same screaming red faced demon, and I was, well shall
we say, not showing my best side when he looked up in the
delivery room. I think this set the standard for my relationship
with him, and my other three children as well.
It is my experience that from babies to
teens, the behaviour children display with others (teacher,
coaches, grandparents, babysitters, friends, total strangers,
public transit officials) is far far better than the insults,
snarls, biting remarks and general miscreant shenanigans that
they display for us. I will also admit that I quickly lower
myself to meet this standard with my inside/outside voice
quickly and viciously issuing threats, judgements and comments
I simply wouldn’t use on anyone else.
They can push our buttons, and we can push
theirs. The only button I can’t seem to find is the
volume control; on both them and me. In the meantime, this
might explain why kids are always anxious to go outside and
play – it’s where that nice quiet voiced Mom turns
up.
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Kathy Buckworth’s latest book, Journey to the Darkside:
Supermom Goes Home is in bookstores everywhere. Read Funny
Mummy every month and watch Kathy on Slice Network’s
“Birth Days”. Visit www.kathybuckworth.com
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