|
How could you tell?
In the middle of a crowded Starbucks restaurant
the other day, I fished around in my purse day for a business
card. I pulled out two little cars, a broken toy from a fast
food restaurant, a retainer case and a stack of half ripped
hockey game admittance tickets. Besides looking like a real
professional as I handed my reluctant new business contact
a rather mucky looking bent card, I cringed at the inevitable
comment I knew was forthcoming. “I can tell you’re
a mother!” Well I’ve got news for your bub –
there are many, many ways you can tell someone is a mother,
and the catastrophic purse is just the most obvious. Take
a look at my van – from the sticky handles to the littered
juice boxes, headless Barbies and more – to every pocket
in every jacket or coat that I own (you know, every time I
try to pull out some change for a coffee, I end up yanking
out papers, Kleenexes, lost buttons, the head of that damn
Barbie, and more.) The environmental signs of being a mother
are everywhere. The physical signs of being a mother can also
be found everywhere you look.
- The constantly jangling car keys, tapping
foot and pursed lips are the telltale sign of a Mom who
is at the end of her chauffeuring rope. Most often seen
outside arena dressing rooms, in dance school waiting areas,
school hallways, and yes, behind you in line at the Starbucks.
- A lone, lame sticker which has been
lovingly smashed onto your dry clean only sweater by an
overenthusiastic toddler after a successful “100’s
Day” at nursery school. (What the hell is that anyway
and why do we need it?)
- Non-existent or chipped nail polish.
You don’t have time (or patience) to put it on yourself,
or time (or money) to go and get it done professionally.
If you received a gift certificate for the local spa or
nail salon at Christmas, by the first week in May you might
get there (special corporate dance coming up this Saturday…)
but it will be chipped before you can show it off. For the
uninitiated, the chipping will occur during any of the following:
tightening hockey skates, unsticking stuck zippers, pulling
staples out of the mahogany desk, repeated dishwasher loading
and unloadings, or even as a result of a nasty diaper change
(doesn’t bear thinking about – but can involve
industrial cleaners that remove, well, everything)
- Worn knees in all your pants from kneeling
on scruffy and dirty surfaces to console, tie up, zip up,
zip down, pull on, pull off, tighten up, loosen, wipe off,
brush down, or generally dislodge pieces of clothing or
unwelcome feelings from your children.
- The “front view hair do”.
My personal favourite. You only have ten minutes to pull
it all together in the morning before WWIII breaks out in
the children’s washroom, over the use of the new toothpaste,
or worse, there’s a cry of “Is that poo?”
You always mean to get back to styling the rest of your
hair, but by the time you do, the curling iron has turned
itself off with that very handy turn-off-automatic feature
and you don’t have the time or now the energy to get
to the back of your head, which is frankly only viewed by
your children as you drive them from place to place. (See
sign #1 and start again.)
There are more obvious signs of motherhood, including the
good (loving that child that only his/her own mother could),
the bad (the fatigue, frustration, annoyance, stress, and
general crabbiness), and the downright ugly (screeching, hair
pulling and losing all dignity in public while attempting
to control an out of control pre-schooler or enraged teenager).
Why do you think we’re so desperate to throw that ratty,
junk filled jacket on, jump in that filthy van and scratch
around for change for that coffee each morning? Just make
sure you get out of our way, or you’ll be walking out
of the Starbucks with that jaunty “100” sign on
the back of your new blazer.
Kathy Buckworth’s new book, “Journey
to the Darkside: Supermom Goes Home” is available
a bookstores everywhere. Visit www.kathybuckworth.com
[top]
|
